So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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