What a fucking waste of an outfit
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
