What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
third nipple confirmed
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
