Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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