My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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