just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
