so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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