I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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