it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
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