If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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