The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hippo gnu deer
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
