I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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