go do what you do best...puke behind churches
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize