hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
