I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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