Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
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omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
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Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.