Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
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what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
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Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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