You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
i don't wanna talk about it
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.