My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
