On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
