So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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