I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
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