Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
