Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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