the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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