Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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