Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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