when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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