I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I have aggressive nipples.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
