ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
