he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
