I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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