I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
you had me at cake vodka
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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