i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
