On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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