it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
