Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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