Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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