You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
