After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
