Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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