They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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