note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Are we still banned from the library?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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