How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
