Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
