omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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