I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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