sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
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I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
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today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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