I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
