No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
