there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
