Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
