Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
