This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
