I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
