a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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