Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
